Hello again, are you sitting comfortably?

Hello,

As I write this my mind has been wondering what it is exactly I should talk to you about. I can’t say I have quite figured that out yet but I’m going with this anyway.

I’d like to start by saying, I’m feeling better. I had a bit of a wobble back there for a moment but I’m ok. I’m okay.

I have been drifting for a while, it’s strange, the things that can lift us up and most of the time we never knew that there was an issue in the first place. Like I’ve recently got a pay rise and it has helped my drive at work. I didn’t realise I had that problem in the first place, but now that I am better, I realise just how much I was going through the motions.

Doing the things I love to do just became too much effort. Learning guitar, writing in my blog, finding ideas for stories I want to write in the future, singing, getting a band together. All things that may or may not happen, just couldn’t possibly happen at all before this change. I don’t know what has triggered this but I’m feeling a drive in myself to just go for it. And i’m postive it wasn’t just because of a pay rise at work.

I guess the main point is that i’ve had more time to reflect and to be creative recently. I probaly mentioned before that I struggle with my anemia, and I find it difficult to be proactive on even my best days. It can be a real bummer and it’s not always easy to get up and go, but I do. And I do it because I want to be better than myself. I hate the thought of something I was born with to be the reason I am not happy. I wont let it stop me. Sure I could get a blood transfusion and get rid of the anemia, (so the doctor tells me). But it’s my blood, and i’ll deal with it. I just see it as there are people who really need good blood. But I don’t. I guess i’d see it as a waste? I mean, i’m not fainting or anything. It’s not terrible. It’s just i’m mostly tired 90% of the time. I think. See, you live with something for so long, you don’t know how it feels to not have it, so it’s normal for you. I don’t really know what it’s like to be anyone else. I don’t even know if I’m ‘normal’ in the sense that, do people feel the way I do? Is it ‘normal’ to feel this tired right now? And, I suppose I did have a long day at work, so maybe this is fine, and a person who had the exact same day as me, would feel this way too? Who knows?

I mean, during my time thinking, I have also concluded that I think too much and start to think a bit too negatively too. There has been very few times that I’ve stopped to think for a while and thought “I’m actually happy right now. Like, really happy.” So I also wonder, that perhaps it is human to think on the negative rather than the positive. Or then again, maybe it depends on the type of human. Is it possible that no one has an easy upbringing? That no matter what, there will always be something that will happen to someone that will make them think more negatively than positively?

…There I go again. Bleh.

I am honestly feeling more like myself now. I cannot stress that enough. I don’t feel as lost as I was. But I still have some thinking to do. I like being creative and I like doing things, going out, being social. But the ‘other me’ wants to sit and watch netflix and not do anything and stay inside and just be in solitude. It’s a battle. But I know I feel better when i’m doing things. So i’m doing things.

For instance, I went to watch Paramore live. For the first time ever. *Gasp.* I’ve been listening to them for 10 years. And I swear if I could see my 13 year old self, she would be so jealous of me right now. It’s been on my ‘list of things to do’ for such a long time. And through the heat of the longest day of the year, I watched, danced, and sang my heart out, (whilst drenched in sweat), to one of my most favourite bands, who have got me through some really hard times.

Good job guys. You are the best.

Back when I was 13 and hating my life, (reasons because another story)  I would wake up at night at silly times. I used to sit up at 3am and would fumble around for my mp3 player and sit on the windowsill looking outside at the stars whilst listening to Paramore’s albums “All we know is falling” and “Riot”. I would listen to ‘My Heart’ over and over again along with ‘When it rains.” I feel like i’ve grown with them. And it’s so touching to see them be so humble, and care so much about the people who love them and support them. It makes supporting them for so long be that much more awesome.

Needless to say of course I would listen to a variety of music also, a lot of Evanescence and Pink too. I believe that was also around the time i’d listen to a lot of Avril Lavigne and 3 doors down… But anyway, music just helped. And I guess like a lot of people it just got me through whatever crap was going on at home.

So maybe going to the concert helped me too? Like it just happened at the time when I needed it. I’ve had such a buzz after Paramore, that it’s making me want to get better at singing (if I can – erk) and generally just feel more confident in going for what I want to do. You wouldn’t think going to see a band would stir such emotion from someone, but I guess it has. And I can only say thank you to them. Even though they don’t know me and have no freakin’ clue that I exist. Thanks for being an inspiration and for being there for me when no one else was.

So, I may still be as tired as ever, and I’m probably not the most mentally healthy, but I’ve got my drive back to get to somewhere better and that’s the first step and it’s an important one at that.

I hope to be a better version of me someday. I will continuously strive to make something happen. I am not gonna let this be all there is to my life. I want to do more. And even if I don’t become famous, and then realise i’m not actually that talented. Pft… I’m not talented at all. Ha! This is for me. Because when it comes down to it, at the end of it all, this is my life, and I intend to live it.

 

Until the next time ~

 

 

Photo found: http://beateo.deviantart.com/art/music-helps-me-through-it-163916238  by Beateo

So, so relevant.

Well, Shit.

So I realise, I was meant to chat more about my holiday.

But let’s be honest, who cares about that?

I went to Greece, I went abroad for the first time, and it was fantastic. I want to travel more and see the world! Great. That’s about it.

I don’t think it’s great reading material… and I’m at the stage where life is just – ugh. 

I’m not ‘whiny’, and I seldom care for attention. I just need to rant, swear and hit shit. I’ve got no idea what’s wrong with me.

Have you ever felt so frustrated that you just tense up and you have to squeeze your mouth shut or else you’ll start shouting at everyone and tell them to F**k off? They probably haven’t even done anything apart from say hello, but you are so tired and stressed, that a simple conversation is so draining you just want to curl up and go to sleep for the day.

To have some peace and quiet all alone.

Ever had that?

God knows what’s wrong with me.

I’d get the usual, it’s probably just hormones.

You’re just stressed with work.

You’re just tired.

You’re just…

Feeling like breaking away from everything and I can’t stop it.

Shit. 

I dunno, maybe you’d prefer to be reading about my adventures in Heraklion or  Hersonissos in Crete. But I just don’t have the energy to be writing about that right now.

That’s pathetic, right? Sure. And I won’t be making any excuses for myself either.

It’s not a great loss. I’ll come back in a few days, maybe a few weeks, and write about something that no one gives a damn about again. At least it will entertain me for a while. Cause that’s what writing is all about right? It’s for you. It’s personal, it’s meant to be fun. Sure you are writing for the reader, but just getting things down on virtual paper sometimes just helps. Even in the smallest of ways, it just does.

Anyway, sorry guys for this shitty post.

I hope to be myself again soon

 

Until the next time,

 

Kudos to the person and quote from image quotes.

 

GREECE HOLIDAY! SPA HOUR CRINGE

Hello all!

I went to Crete in Greece.

For a week.

Thought i’d just dive right in there with that one haha.  The picture was from my balcony. 😀 Just, awesome.

It was my first ever abroad holiday! I had a lot of firsts this past week while on holiday too. Let’s see…. I had my first spa experience. Which was a little bit cringy to start with… I had my first flight experience, my belly flipped on the way there, so bad… so bad. My first water park experience that was cool! And my first ever 40 degrees experience – I’ve discovered the heat makes me more tired.

Anyway, I wanted to just have a quick update about what I’ve been up to and this post will be about my spa experience.

It all began by the pool with my friends on holiday, a kind lady came up and asked about whether we would like to try a sample of her products from her spa menu. We ageed and decided it would be fun. We sat there for a good half hour trying these products. She was very nice and her English was spot on. We all could communicate well with her, which helps haha. We agreed we would go for a treatment and she gave us a really good deal for 2 treatments each. We booked in when we wanted to go, we all decided on a facial and a body scrub. Me being me, was awkward, and chose a different facial to everyone else so I had to have a specific time, so that they could prepare for me. Typical me. 

Day of the Spa treatment

You are probably thinking, oh this is boring, it’s just normal and not cringy at all.

Bear with me.

The day of the treatment I had been talking to my friends about it and they were concerned about undressing. I had reassured them that when I asked the spa manager she told me it was okay to keep our bathing suits on, so our bikinis would be fine. With this knowledge I was at ease going in. As I’m not the type to just whip of my clothes in front of strangers – ahem –

So, me and a friend went in together but we were in seperate rooms (they only had 2 rooms available at one time). I waddled into one, she the other, and it was fine. Until it wasn’t.

The masseuse, lady, person… you can tell this was my first spa treatment already. Is it okay for me to call her a masseuse… that’s what she is right? Right!? *inward panic*

Er, anyway, she handed me a one use thong, thingy, and if you can, imagine me standing there staring at her blankly, holding this thin piece of cloth between my thumb and index finger. Thinking “what the…?!”

Let me also point out, her English was not as good as the managers.

*Picture this* You’ve got me looking at her and her looking at me. And then, she just walks out the room for me to get changed. I stand there just staring at the cloth and look around the room thinking, do I just do it? Shall I wear it and just be uncomfortable for the treatments? Or am i meant to put this on over my bikini bottoms? Wait! Wait, that’s just silly, don’t do that…. and so on and so on. Until she comes back and literally says –

“No, no get changed.” and points to the meterial in my hands.

I respond with, “Sorry but the lady said I could wear this?” And I point to my bikini top and bottoms.

She replies with “Yes, but this!” and points to the cloth item again, and leaves the room.

By this point, I am utterly confused. What on Earth does she want me to do? I’ve just told her I was allowed to wear my bikini and she just agreed but still wants me to put this on?!

Oh….kay….

I can feel myself getting a bit uncomfortable by this point as I slowly bend down to put the material over my bikini bottoms.

This isn’t… right.

I frown about to take the thong piece off, when the masseuse suddenly comes in again.

“Ah, ummm, is this… is this right?” I point, nervously feeling very silly at this point.

“No!” She exclaims, “need this off, this on” various pointing motions and she is about to leave again.

I hurriedly take the thong off leaving my bikini bottoms still in place.

“But I was meant to keep this on, I was told I was allowed to.” I feel my face flush.

“Okay you can, come on” She says, almost sighing.

I don’t know if it was me, but her tone felt like one of annoyance. I was embarrased and nervous. So I just told her “If you need to, you can take the back off, when i’m lying down” I point to my back straps.

“Okay” She replies, “Lie – down” I follow her instructions.

I felt really awkward during the body scrub. It was hard for me to relax. I felt I had offended her, which is probably really british of me. But I couldn’t help it. I would’ve thought the manager would have let her assistants know…. As I lay down she took the straps off a bit forcefully, and I couldn’t help but make a face. Luckily my head was facing down through the hole so she couldn’t see me.

I laid there for a good 30 – 40 minutes unable to move, being increasingly uncomfortable whilst also trying to relax. Ugh. Going over all the questions and what just happened in my head. One question I had was “Should I make conversation?!” Now I don’t know about you, but if you’ve not been in this situation before it’s kinda hard to work out what would be socially acceptable… I decided to use the logic of, ‘I think it’s like the hairdressers but a bit more strict – don’t try to make conversation unless they do.’ I went with that and it seemed okay.

Turns out I was just over thinking again! Staying quiet is good. Noted.

After the body scrub, she said she was done and I got up a bit too quickly as I emerged from my thoughts and anxiety and said “alright?!” But what actually came out was “orrrightt?!” … I went momentarily very ‘Somerset’  (umm think farmer voice if you aren’t sure what I mean). I cursed inwardly at being abrupt with my response, however this seemed to have broken some tension as she giggled and said I can go for my shower now.

Phew.

She told me not to get my bikini wet and to put it up on the side, I told her I could do that bit at least. And she laughed. I don’t mind if she was laughing at me, I was just relieved to break the tension properly.

After I got out of the shower it was time for the face mask treatment. It was a lot nicer, and I felt a lot more relaxed and a bit sleepy by the time she finished.

The treatments on the whole were lovely, and I’m sure i’m not the first to make a silly mistake like that. Regarding the fact it was my first spa treatment and language barriers can make things a bit tougher.

I think i’d have a face treatment again, but i’d probably pass on the body scrub. Even if it did make me all soft and smoove… I don’t think I could go through that again, ha!

Later that day….

I heard that my friends went through very similar, quite awkward, experiences too. Some chose to go along with it, others felt really awkward and tried to negotiate items of clothing that could stay on. I was the only one to say “no” completely. Ooops. Oh well! At least it wasn’t just me with the awkward experience! I can always count on my friends to be just as awkward lol! ❤

 

Until the next time ~