Ramblin’ Girl

Hello reader,

I went to college the other day. Yup. I went in search for something that would ignite some reaction, some interest in me. What did I receive?

Nothing.

There was this one thing, but … no.
And that other thing… But actually…
And then there wa– nah, probably not my thing.

Ugh.

I’m not trying to be negative about everything but it’s hard not to, especially when you are laughed at when trying to explain “Yeah I’m thinking about this course because…” Well, thanks for nothing.

Needless to say, I was very down last night. I see people being so passionate about things they are good at. But when I try and write down or say what I’m good at, I just draw a blank all the time. Don’t get me wrong. I love people expressing their own passions. I just find it difficult to, personally.

I don’t know what I want anymore. I found myself thinking “Maybe I’m just not destined for anything.” A lot.

It sounds quite melodramatic. Now that I’ve had some sleep. Haha
The thought was just so loud at the time. I just wanted the world to stop and leave me alone.

It would be so nice to just figure out exactly what it is I am good at. And try and focus my energy into it. My partner says I’m good at lots of things all at once that it’s hard to pin point one strength above all the others. I think he was just trying to make me feel better.

It didn’t work.
But it’s the thought that counts.

I’m okay at a lot of things. I’m average. I’m basically average on most subjects. I don’t have anything that I spring to that’s like “YES! That one! That’s MY thing!”

I like a lot of things. But the things I like doing wont pay the bills!

Sorry for my ramblings today. I’m just a bit muddled at the moment.

Thing is, my job isn’t any better. And the outlook for other jobs that will pay for my expenses are few and far between so I haven’t managed to leave. And I’ve not been sleeping very well, so with all that in mind… I’m feeling a bit adrift at the moment.

I need to find something I can do. Do I just look for a similar role that i’m doing now? Do I try to find something at college to help with the admin and pursue it head-on? Or do I look for something new? Or Old? Maybe I should go back to Childcare… No.. I don’t want that. I love working with the kids. But I can’t stand the staff most of the time. Unless It’s a school. But then the contracts are always so dreadful. ….

Ugh.

I know i’ll figure it out. But the answer eludes me at the moment.

Here’s to trying to figure shit out!

Hope you have a great day!

Until the next time~

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Always… #AKF

Hello reader,

Today I wanted to chat about something very close to me. And I’m just gonna dive straight into it.

I’m an AKF campaign supporter.

As a sufferer of anxiety, depression & supporter for the campaign there isn’t anything else I’d rather talk about right now.

‘AKF’ if you aren’t aware, stands for ‘Always Keep Fighting.’ It’s a campaign sponsored and directly influenced by Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins and the rest of the whole SPN Family. Not only are these guys awesome in one of my all time favourite TV shows – Supernatural, but they are involved in something even more incredible than that. (Who knew that was possible!?)

The AKF campaign is an awareness, support and encouragement towards the fight against mental health problems. Since 2015, they have been encouraging people of all ages and genders to reach out and seek the support they need.

I can’t really express how amazing this campaign is to me. They are heroes to so many people. I don’t think they quite realise just how amazing they are.

It’s effected me to an extent that even I’m shocked. I struggle to put my feelings into words at the best of times, and I think I’m still in some form of denial cause I just don’t like admitting my “other side”. I keep saying “I’m fine, I’m just ‘down in the dumps'” and for years I’ve been trying to support myself, trying to open up to people but backing out. Waking up in the morning and repeating to myself “I can do this.” When I feel the complete opposite.

I’m going through some things at the moment, and although I can deal, I’m sure. Some days are worse than others. So the campaign for me is like a safety net to keep me going and sometimes a jab in the side that I need to remind me “Oi, stop what you’re thinking, you are enough.”

The show, the campaign, heck, the whole SPNFamily, have put such an impression on me, that it might seem a bit bizarre to people who don’t quite get it or don’t feel the same way. I’ve also always been a big family person and in some ways can relate to them regarding their feelings on family. So I can’t help but feel a little awed if I see them talk live on Facebook/Youtube.

I haven’t met Jared, Jensen or Misha, but If I did, I would probably just spazz out and start hyperventilating anyway. …Cause I’m cool like that. I’m also a disaster in social situations/meeting new people, especially if those people are famous. But if this post gets to them, (highly doubtful) I just want them to know that they are doing an amazing thing. Even though I’m sure they get told everyday how awesome they are, that they are great actors (and human beings) and that they have such a huge fan base that adore them etc etc. Oh and that they are hilarious. Let’s not forget that, that’s very important! But I just wanna say this: thank you for giving me something to keep me going through the tough days.

I didn’t intend to advertise their campaign that much… As usual when I write, I never quite know what will happen until I start tapping away!! I just had the urge to write something about AKF. Hell this post could have easily just been: “AKF, that is all!”

Anyway, I would advise anyone who is in a difficult place right now to just… look at their stuff. Yeah, haha. And reader, stay you, stay strong. And when the shit hits the fan and you feel too tired to do those things?

Reach out. Seek the support you deserve. Know you are not alone in this. You are enough.

#AlwaysKeepFighting

Until the next time~

Career Me

 

This new addition to my blog unfortunately will not be the self help/advice ones I normally write, Sorry if you were thinking it was gonna be… cause I got nothing this time. You see that over there? Yea, that there is a door. If you like, you can use it now, I won’t stop you.

I can’t believe it.

All my life i’ve been so sure about what I want to do and where I am going. Then all of a sudden, I am twenty four years old and I feel like I don’t know anything and nothing has gone the way it was supposed to.

Is this normal? I asked myself. Turns out yes, yes it is. Well maybe not the part where I had a plan and then didn’t part.

So, I’m looking for work again and I just don’t know where to start. I can not for the life of me figure out what I want to do!

My working life so far: working with children? Loved it. But it’s not a secure job environment. Working as an Admin? Love it, but I can’t just side step into the same role. As Administration is such a vast area and my admin title is a loose… edgy, title. I just sort out orders for a very small company.  

My confidence about life and work is just so low at the moment. I don’t know what is wrong with me!

I’m looking at people and jobs and just thinking oh, yeah I can see why they are doing that, they are so good at their job. And looking at myself thinking I’m not good at anything else.  Don’t get me wrong, i’m not looking for a pity party. I know I’m good at my current job and at some point I will shake myself out of this negative thinking. But I just can’t think that way right now. Like I said, It’s a confidence thing. I just haven’t got the self esteem in me right now.

I need a time machine. To go back and sit in my old bedroom for a week, no responsibilities. Just me, food and my laptop and just listen to music and watch Anime. And a blanket fort… with extra pillows. 

I do wonder if you have ever felt lost like me? Adrift in life, not knowing what will happen next? They say it’s part of the fun in life, but it just makes me uncomfortable, i’ll be honest. 

I’m hoping something will turn up that is perfect for me. That I will look at the job description and say yup that’s my kind of job – I can do that! But until then, who knows?

If I reaaaally think about it, one day I would like to be an author. As silly a dream that is. I’m barely blogging and want to be a writer “for realsies HA! It’s a stupid dream I know. But it gets me writing. Whether my writing is actually any good or not, I will let you be the judge of that.

… Don’t judge me too hard right now, I’m fragile. Hahaa!

In all seriousness, I wanted to write this today because it’s all just been bubbling up inside of me. And it’s really getting to me. I know some people never have a plan about work and just end up somewhere. Some people get really lucky and end up in pretty decent jobs too! I do try not to worry, but if worrying was a sport I’m a natural born winner. I just can’t help it, I like to have a plan. When I don’t (as pathetic as this might sound) I get a bit depressed. I start losing interest in everything and all I want to do when I get home is crawl into bed. ... (And eat food and watch anime)…

-Sigh-

Something will turn up. I know. But just wishing isn’t going to make it happen. I have to work hard too.

I will try and keep a little more updated on here. (I know I keep saying that, don’t look at me with those judgy judge eyes)

 

Que Sera sera.

Until the next time.