Death and Loss: Say It’s Just A Story.

Aghhhh!….

*inhales*

Well then…

Hello again…

It is said by countless of people that “too much thinking is bad for me.” This is fact. When people say this they do not simply mean “thinking in general” Oh no! They… We, mean negative thoughts that are clawing at our insides making us feel rotten to the absolute core, where thinking of “nothing” would be a blessing.

I’m an emotional worrier. I admit. I have reasons to worry… Though I’m not worried at the moment (breath of relief for a second) I’m upset. However I’ve not come on here to rant about how miserable my life is – not a chance in hell.

Reader, someone close to me died this day one year ago. Everyone at some point in their life loses someone they could be themselves with, close to, relied on, shared secrets with. This life is not eternal. You and I both know this.

I’ve tried not to think about it too much, but to no avail. I’ve kept myself busy today like most people do. To then come home and try to keep myself busy again. I’m currently in the middle of preparing for an interview for Friday. (Go me!) But as I stared at my laptop I’ve realised as I’m writing this, that I have just completely discarded what I was doing and jumped on here to type about it all. Which reminds me, I shouldn’t leave people waiting. People rely on me too.

…….

Anyway, now that’s done… I will sit on my floor and continue. Don’t ask me why the floor… It’s the closest “seat” possible… well actually that’s a lie, my bed is …right next to me…Pfft. I’m comfortable. ….Anyway…

Now I don’t want you to get too emotionally involved into this post yet because when I tell you who I’ve lost, people have a varied responses to this…

We grew up together. We were very close her and me. Couldn’t have asked for a better family member or friend. She, was indeed, my cat. Don’t freak out.

If you are an animal lover and welcome animals into your home or go to animal shelters, or just love animals in general. You will understand where I am coming from. Some people get it, some people just don’t. My friend used to wait for me to get home everyday and greet me, with a meow and purr… Would sit on my stomach (sometimes my head) and watch things like Anime or films with me (I have proof). Little things, that brought us close, that made her one of the family.

When I was little around six or so, I wanted a cat so badly. I can’t remember the reason why I just know it started when mum said we had to get rid of our first dog Max. In all fairness he nearly took my eye out when he bit me. But we kept him because no one would have him. (Poor reasoning, is poor) However he calmed down and later suffered from a twisted stomach and died…. I don’t really remember him much… Apart from when I took the bus to school he’d look out the window and see me off. He was in pain, we didn’t know.

Back to the point, I cried for this cat – even at the very beginning. I just wanted one. As children want things all the time. Mum spoke to our next door neighbour as they were getting a kitten. We didn’t have any money really to fork out for an expensive cat. Though we did have enough for her. I believe she was free. She was the little runt of the litter. A couple years ago I found out that she would’ve been killed if we hadn’t taken her in. I’d never been so relieved that I had cried for a cat and mother said yes.

She was the cutest tiniest bundle of fluff ever. I called her “Dizzy.” The bond was made then and there when I got to name her myself. …. She pee’d under my bed. Not cool. Though I’d like to think she was just marking her territory haha!

She never got on with dogs so she lived upstairs and after being house trained and grew up a bit, had full reign over the garden. She never went too far, my Diz, she was definitely into being a house cat and being pampered and a bit of a Queen.  She’d prefer that, rather than being outside socialising with other cats. She was small, so I can understand. She was feisty though… I bet she could win a scrap.

So, as the years went on and we got older. She got a bit more mellow. She was never much of a people cat when she was little. Later she would curl up more beside me and if I was laying down on my side she would lay down with me, sometimes balancing on my hip. Weird, but I’m sure she was comfortable. She would always be around if I was ever ill (and I was ill a lot) staying close by me. We were very close, and there never seemed to be a point where I thought she would be gone. But that’s how it is usually isn’t it? Even now, sometimes I wake up thinking she’ll just be there. Waiting for me.

She ran away, a couple months before in the summer. I thought she had gone to leave for good. As cats do. I ran around the neighbourhood countless of times. When I woke up the morning she had gone, I had a bad feeling because she wasn’t in her usual places. I got dressed and just ran. Ran and ran. I came home for something to eat and a rest and started again. I couldn’t let her go. Everyday I was widening my search. I guess it could have gone on forever.

A few days later, in the night she returned, tired and hungry. She was okay, or so we thought. She was eating well, getting fat. Happy. Contented.

Though a few months after she began to stop eating so much. She had always been good at eating and drinking when she was hungry or thirsty and knew exactly how to ask.

We tried all sorts of different foods. Last year on the Friday whilst Children in Need was on in the background, we just stared at each other. And I just knew. I can’t explain it exactly. She seemed to have tears in her eyes and I just remember thinking “Diz is going to be gone from me soon.” I cried.

This strangely isn’t the first time this sort of premonition has happened to me. It happened the day my nan died too. We shared a close bond as well and I just had this thought of “I’m not going to see her again.” … After just being told she had gone into hospital but not to worry because everything was fine. This wasn’t a lie. They really thought it was the case. She had been rushed into hospital before and everything turned out just fine. I just knew otherwise. It’s kind of depressing really.  The morning everything was told to me I still experienced shock. Enough shock to wander into college only to be sent home because I was just a mess.

More to the point… The day My Diz died was 17th November 2013 it was on the Sunday. On the Saturday beforehand I remember coming down the stairs and telling her I’d be back soon. I went out to town to get her some fresh meat to eat. To see if it would work. Last hope, deal. I came back and she was gone. Again. I tore open the door and ran down the street. She came out of the last house of my street and meowed. A wave of relief washed over me as I bent down and she climbed up into my arms. I was not going to leave her again today.

That Saturday was rough. I didn’t move from her and mother sent me up food realising the situation and being understanding. She hardly ate the meat I offered her. It was even Chicken. Her favourite. Well that and Tuna. I stayed up for hours and hours. Hoping that Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes would keep me awake. It did. I stayed awake until 4am. She went downhill quickly that night. Me and mum had discussed taking her to the vets the next morning if she got worse. I couldn’t have her in pain. Though for the most part she seemed happy next to me and wouldn’t move.

By this time we had gotten her a litter tray because she had been having accidents. She was a very proud cat so this must not have been nice for her. But she managed the litter tray well. I have knowledge on what happens when cats are about to pass on. So I put her on a towel incase she had an accident. She did. A few times. And every time I got up. Got her clean, washed her off with a damp cloth. By the end she couldn’t stand so I made sure she was comfortable all the while. The last time I got her clean, I was coming back with some fresh towels with her in my arms and I had moved her so her head was near my shoulders and honest truth, she wrapped her front paws around my neck. Gratitude?

Even now as I type this I have tears in my eyes at the moments we shared together. I put her down on one of my pillows with the towels underneath. I made absolutely sure they were soft so she would be comfortable. Back then I also had a single bed, so I put her closest to the wall so she wouldn’t fall. I wrapped a blanket over her for warmth and we slept for the last time together, for only a couple hours. Side by side.

Around 7am that morning she passed away.

She died in my arms.

…Reader, If you have lost someone close to your heart, It doesn’t matter who it is. If they meant the world to you, cherish their memory forever. Let them go when you are ready. But keep their memory close to your heart eternally.

Everything happens for a reason. Let their passing be a lesson in your life. Of moments shared, happiness, giving, receiving and love. Don’t seal away your heart, they wouldn’t want that of you. It’s never nice to see that the person or pet you loved has gone, no matter what version of love it was. It’s okay, if you want to cry. It hurts. Don’t be afraid, keep pushing forward. Never forget.

Thank you for reading.

Until the next time.

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SESCH

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