Lack of Control in Life: Getting Mad and Letting Go

One month.

That’s all it was. (Well… One month, a summer holiday and about a week later…)

When I look back on it, it felt so much longer. I guess depression does that to a person.

It was June 23rd 2014. I finally started working somewhere I thought was a match made in heaven. Little did I realise, it was soon not to be the case.

It doesn’t bother me that they lied to my face, because I knew they were lying as soon as they opened their mouths. No, it bothers me, that they didn’t try harder. Try harder to talk to me properly, instead of taking their problems out on me.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I go to work, to work. I work with children because I enjoy it. I love to teach children new things and sometimes learn things together. So no, it doesn’t bother me that they said “I didn’t fit in.” It bothers me that they told me I wasn’t bonding properly (whatever they saw fit in their eyes – yeah, I have no idea either) with the children.

I could list many ways on how I bonded with the children, for instance talking, singing, reading, listening and most importantly engaging/taking an interest. But this list is mainly for your benefit, so you get an idea of how I am with children.

On the whole I believe It would’ve helped tremendously if they had given me my key children… From the very beginning it felt like they didn’t want me there. I had no key to get in, no uniform, no CRB/DBS check, no key children. Nothing to properly define my place there. Lack of security.

I was never going to write about this on here. However the truth has come to light today and it brought it all up again. Even this “truth” feels like a “half-truth.” I can’t help this feeling that maybe I should have shaken my doubts and just tried harder myself. But there’s only so much you can do when you get the vibe that you aren’t really wanted or needed in the room. Which comes to another interesting fact that they denied being over staffed on some of the days…Sigh

I’m struggling hard not to be bitter about it all. I know I need to let it go, because I’m starting a new job in a few days (by the way if you have read my earlier post – my sleeping is going well, just gotta make sure I get to sleep earlier too!) and I just don’t want to drag that baggage with me.

A lot happened in a month. Over the summer I felt it wasn’t right and started looking for other work, I just didn’t realise how quickly they were going to let me go. I chuckled a bit when I was told “This isn’t working out…” I thought “Ya, think so?” It’s hard when things start off nice and it turns out to be a façade…

Also people don’t always make it clear what they expect of you, and quite frankly it pisses me right off.

I did my job. I stand by, what I expected of them – never happened (too much gossip and tea drinking for my liking) and what they expected of me – didn’t happen. I despise the fact that in a space of a week they thought I’d be really “clicky” with them (they are quite the clique) when I said in the interview, “It does take me a little while to tell people a lot about myself” – I’m guarded, get over it. But I wasn’t “off” with them either and did try to tell them about me, more so if they asked.

They were all quite older than I was. People think that’s a factor too. It probably was, but at the same time I know people who are a lot older than me and we get on great. I think it’s a personality clash myself. In light of this they also warned me that “We are a clique and find it hard to let other people mix” – or words to that effect. If I can try, they should have been adult enough to try too since they knew their own problems. Isn’t it half the battle? If you say to someone you recognise the problem, you should try to take the next step like I did, instead of “here’s the facts, yeah, we aren’t changing.” – wouldn’t Ofsted be pleased with that result?!

Fake, is a word I would use for them. I would say other things but I cannot, for I fear I would regret my words in the morning. Rage aside, at least I know what to look out for and what to avoid in the future.

Despite this though, we may have just crossed some serious wires. Who knows? The communication itself wasn’t great anyway. Something everyone should learn in life: not everyone will like you. In the end, we just weren’t meant to be.

Lessons to be learned and all that.

I feel a lot better after writing this all down. I feel I can make peace with it now.

Is there anything you’d like to make peace with? Trust me, you’ll feel better once you just let it go…

As always thank you for reading my rambles.

Until the next time.

Picture found: (Whoever did this is awesome)


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Lou-Lou Belle

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