Always… #AKF

Hello reader,

Today I wanted to chat about something very close to me. And I’m just gonna dive straight into it.

I’m an AKF campaign supporter.

As a sufferer of anxiety, depression & supporter for the campaign there isn’t anything else I’d rather talk about right now.

‘AKF’ if you aren’t aware, stands for ‘Always Keep Fighting.’ It’s a campaign sponsored and directly influenced by Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins and the rest of the whole SPN Family. Not only are these guys awesome in one of my all time favourite TV shows – Supernatural, but they are involved in something even more incredible than that. (Who knew that was possible!?)

The AKF campaign is an awareness, support and encouragement towards the fight against mental health problems. Since 2015, they have been encouraging people of all ages and genders to reach out and seek the support they need.

I can’t really express how amazing this campaign is to me. They are heroes to so many people. I don’t think they quite realise just how amazing they are.

It’s effected me to an extent that even I’m shocked. I struggle to put my feelings into words at the best of times, and I think I’m still in some form of denial cause I just don’t like admitting my “other side”. I keep saying “I’m fine, I’m just ‘down in the dumps'” and for years I’ve been trying to support myself, trying to open up to people but backing out. Waking up in the morning and repeating to myself “I can do this.” When I feel the complete opposite.

I’m going through some things at the moment, and although I can deal, I’m sure. Some days are worse than others. So the campaign for me is like a safety net to keep me going and sometimes a jab in the side that I need to remind me “Oi, stop what you’re thinking, you are enough.”

The show, the campaign, heck, the whole SPNFamily, have put such an impression on me, that it might seem a bit bizarre to people who don’t quite get it or don’t feel the same way. I’ve also always been a big family person and in some ways can relate to them regarding their feelings on family. So I can’t help but feel a little awed if I see them talk live on Facebook/Youtube.

I haven’t met Jared, Jensen or Misha, but If I did, I would probably just spazz out and start hyperventilating anyway. …Cause I’m cool like that. I’m also a disaster in social situations/meeting new people, especially if those people are famous. But if this post gets to them, (highly doubtful) I just want them to know that they are doing an amazing thing. Even though I’m sure they get told everyday how awesome they are, that they are great actors (and human beings) and that they have such a huge fan base that adore them etc etc. Oh and that they are hilarious. Let’s not forget that, that’s very important! But I just wanna say this: thank you for giving me something to keep me going through the tough days.

I didn’t intend to advertise their campaign that much… As usual when I write, I never quite know what will happen until I start tapping away!! I just had the urge to write something about AKF. Hell this post could have easily just been: “AKF, that is all!”

Anyway, I would advise anyone who is in a difficult place right now to just… look at their stuff. Yeah, haha. And reader, stay you, stay strong. And when the shit hits the fan and you feel too tired to do those things?

Reach out. Seek the support you deserve. Know you are not alone in this. You are enough.

#AlwaysKeepFighting

Until the next time~

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Career Me

 

This new addition to my blog unfortunately will not be the self help/advice ones I normally write, Sorry if you were thinking it was gonna be… cause I got nothing this time. You see that over there? Yea, that there is a door. If you like, you can use it now, I won’t stop you.

I can’t believe it.

All my life i’ve been so sure about what I want to do and where I am going. Then all of a sudden, I am twenty four years old and I feel like I don’t know anything and nothing has gone the way it was supposed to.

Is this normal? I asked myself. Turns out yes, yes it is. Well maybe not the part where I had a plan and then didn’t part.

So, I’m looking for work again and I just don’t know where to start. I can not for the life of me figure out what I want to do!

My working life so far: working with children? Loved it. But it’s not a secure job environment. Working as an Admin? Love it, but I can’t just side step into the same role. As Administration is such a vast area and my admin title is a loose… edgy, title. I just sort out orders for a very small company.  

My confidence about life and work is just so low at the moment. I don’t know what is wrong with me!

I’m looking at people and jobs and just thinking oh, yeah I can see why they are doing that, they are so good at their job. And looking at myself thinking I’m not good at anything else.  Don’t get me wrong, i’m not looking for a pity party. I know I’m good at my current job and at some point I will shake myself out of this negative thinking. But I just can’t think that way right now. Like I said, It’s a confidence thing. I just haven’t got the self esteem in me right now.

I need a time machine. To go back and sit in my old bedroom for a week, no responsibilities. Just me, food and my laptop and just listen to music and watch Anime. And a blanket fort… with extra pillows. 

I do wonder if you have ever felt lost like me? Adrift in life, not knowing what will happen next? They say it’s part of the fun in life, but it just makes me uncomfortable, i’ll be honest. 

I’m hoping something will turn up that is perfect for me. That I will look at the job description and say yup that’s my kind of job – I can do that! But until then, who knows?

If I reaaaally think about it, one day I would like to be an author. As silly a dream that is. I’m barely blogging and want to be a writer “for realsies HA! It’s a stupid dream I know. But it gets me writing. Whether my writing is actually any good or not, I will let you be the judge of that.

… Don’t judge me too hard right now, I’m fragile. Hahaa!

In all seriousness, I wanted to write this today because it’s all just been bubbling up inside of me. And it’s really getting to me. I know some people never have a plan about work and just end up somewhere. Some people get really lucky and end up in pretty decent jobs too! I do try not to worry, but if worrying was a sport I’m a natural born winner. I just can’t help it, I like to have a plan. When I don’t (as pathetic as this might sound) I get a bit depressed. I start losing interest in everything and all I want to do when I get home is crawl into bed. ... (And eat food and watch anime)…

-Sigh-

Something will turn up. I know. But just wishing isn’t going to make it happen. I have to work hard too.

I will try and keep a little more updated on here. (I know I keep saying that, don’t look at me with those judgy judge eyes)

 

Que Sera sera.

Until the next time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again, are you sitting comfortably?

Hello,

As I write this my mind has been wondering what it is exactly I should talk to you about. I can’t say I have quite figured that out yet but I’m going with this anyway.

I’d like to start by saying, I’m feeling better. I had a bit of a wobble back there for a moment but I’m ok. I’m okay.

I have been drifting for a while, it’s strange, the things that can lift us up and most of the time we never knew that there was an issue in the first place. Like I’ve recently got a pay rise and it has helped my drive at work. I didn’t realise I had that problem in the first place, but now that I am better, I realise just how much I was going through the motions.

Doing the things I love to do just became too much effort. Learning guitar, writing in my blog, finding ideas for stories I want to write in the future, singing, getting a band together. All things that may or may not happen, just couldn’t possibly happen at all before this change. I don’t know what has triggered this but I’m feeling a drive in myself to just go for it. And i’m postive it wasn’t just because of a pay rise at work.

I guess the main point is that i’ve had more time to reflect and to be creative recently. I probaly mentioned before that I struggle with my anemia, and I find it difficult to be proactive on even my best days. It can be a real bummer and it’s not always easy to get up and go, but I do. And I do it because I want to be better than myself. I hate the thought of something I was born with to be the reason I am not happy. I wont let it stop me. Sure I could get a blood transfusion and get rid of the anemia, (so the doctor tells me). But it’s my blood, and i’ll deal with it. I just see it as there are people who really need good blood. But I don’t. I guess i’d see it as a waste? I mean, i’m not fainting or anything. It’s not terrible. It’s just i’m mostly tired 90% of the time. I think. See, you live with something for so long, you don’t know how it feels to not have it, so it’s normal for you. I don’t really know what it’s like to be anyone else. I don’t even know if I’m ‘normal’ in the sense that, do people feel the way I do? Is it ‘normal’ to feel this tired right now? And, I suppose I did have a long day at work, so maybe this is fine, and a person who had the exact same day as me, would feel this way too? Who knows?

I mean, during my time thinking, I have also concluded that I think too much and start to think a bit too negatively too. There has been very few times that I’ve stopped to think for a while and thought “I’m actually happy right now. Like, really happy.” So I also wonder, that perhaps it is human to think on the negative rather than the positive. Or then again, maybe it depends on the type of human. Is it possible that no one has an easy upbringing? That no matter what, there will always be something that will happen to someone that will make them think more negatively than positively?

…There I go again. Bleh.

I am honestly feeling more like myself now. I cannot stress that enough. I don’t feel as lost as I was. But I still have some thinking to do. I like being creative and I like doing things, going out, being social. But the ‘other me’ wants to sit and watch netflix and not do anything and stay inside and just be in solitude. It’s a battle. But I know I feel better when i’m doing things. So i’m doing things.

For instance, I went to watch Paramore live. For the first time ever. *Gasp.* I’ve been listening to them for 10 years. And I swear if I could see my 13 year old self, she would be so jealous of me right now. It’s been on my ‘list of things to do’ for such a long time. And through the heat of the longest day of the year, I watched, danced, and sang my heart out, (whilst drenched in sweat), to one of my most favourite bands, who have got me through some really hard times.

Good job guys. You are the best.

Back when I was 13 and hating my life, (reasons because another story)  I would wake up at night at silly times. I used to sit up at 3am and would fumble around for my mp3 player and sit on the windowsill looking outside at the stars whilst listening to Paramore’s albums “All we know is falling” and “Riot”. I would listen to ‘My Heart’ over and over again along with ‘When it rains.” I feel like i’ve grown with them. And it’s so touching to see them be so humble, and care so much about the people who love them and support them. It makes supporting them for so long be that much more awesome.

Needless to say of course I would listen to a variety of music also, a lot of Evanescence and Pink too. I believe that was also around the time i’d listen to a lot of Avril Lavigne and 3 doors down… But anyway, music just helped. And I guess like a lot of people it just got me through whatever crap was going on at home.

So maybe going to the concert helped me too? Like it just happened at the time when I needed it. I’ve had such a buzz after Paramore, that it’s making me want to get better at singing (if I can – erk) and generally just feel more confident in going for what I want to do. You wouldn’t think going to see a band would stir such emotion from someone, but I guess it has. And I can only say thank you to them. Even though they don’t know me and have no freakin’ clue that I exist. Thanks for being an inspiration and for being there for me when no one else was.

So, I may still be as tired as ever, and I’m probably not the most mentally healthy, but I’ve got my drive back to get to somewhere better and that’s the first step and it’s an important one at that.

I hope to be a better version of me someday. I will continuously strive to make something happen. I am not gonna let this be all there is to my life. I want to do more. And even if I don’t become famous, and then realise i’m not actually that talented. Pft… I’m not talented at all. Ha! This is for me. Because when it comes down to it, at the end of it all, this is my life, and I intend to live it.

 

Until the next time ~

 

 

Photo found: http://beateo.deviantart.com/art/music-helps-me-through-it-163916238  by Beateo

So, so relevant.