Hello again, are you sitting comfortably?

Hello,

As I write this my mind has been wondering what it is exactly I should talk to you about. I can’t say I have quite figured that out yet but I’m going with this anyway.

I’d like to start by saying, I’m feeling better. I had a bit of a wobble back there for a moment but I’m ok. I’m okay.

I have been drifting for a while, it’s strange, the things that can lift us up and most of the time we never knew that there was an issue in the first place. Like I’ve recently got a pay rise and it has helped my drive at work. I didn’t realise I had that problem in the first place, but now that I am better, I realise just how much I was going through the motions.

Doing the things I love to do just became too much effort. Learning guitar, writing in my blog, finding ideas for stories I want to write in the future, singing, getting a band together. All things that may or may not happen, just couldn’t possibly happen at all before this change. I don’t know what has triggered this but I’m feeling a drive in myself to just go for it. And i’m postive it wasn’t just because of a pay rise at work.

I guess the main point is that i’ve had more time to reflect and to be creative recently. I probaly mentioned before that I struggle with my anemia, and I find it difficult to be proactive on even my best days. It can be a real bummer and it’s not always easy to get up and go, but I do. And I do it because I want to be better than myself. I hate the thought of something I was born with to be the reason I am not happy. I wont let it stop me. Sure I could get a blood transfusion and get rid of the anemia, (so the doctor tells me). But it’s my blood, and i’ll deal with it. I just see it as there are people who really need good blood. But I don’t. I guess i’d see it as a waste? I mean, i’m not fainting or anything. It’s not terrible. It’s just i’m mostly tired 90% of the time. I think. See, you live with something for so long, you don’t know how it feels to not have it, so it’s normal for you. I don’t really know what it’s like to be anyone else. I don’t even know if I’m ‘normal’ in the sense that, do people feel the way I do? Is it ‘normal’ to feel this tired right now? And, I suppose I did have a long day at work, so maybe this is fine, and a person who had the exact same day as me, would feel this way too? Who knows?

I mean, during my time thinking, I have also concluded that I think too much and start to think a bit too negatively too. There has been very few times that I’ve stopped to think for a while and thought “I’m actually happy right now. Like, really happy.” So I also wonder, that perhaps it is human to think on the negative rather than the positive. Or then again, maybe it depends on the type of human. Is it possible that no one has an easy upbringing? That no matter what, there will always be something that will happen to someone that will make them think more negatively than positively?

…There I go again. Bleh.

I am honestly feeling more like myself now. I cannot stress that enough. I don’t feel as lost as I was. But I still have some thinking to do. I like being creative and I like doing things, going out, being social. But the ‘other me’ wants to sit and watch netflix and not do anything and stay inside and just be in solitude. It’s a battle. But I know I feel better when i’m doing things. So i’m doing things.

For instance, I went to watch Paramore live. For the first time ever. *Gasp.* I’ve been listening to them for 10 years. And I swear if I could see my 13 year old self, she would be so jealous of me right now. It’s been on my ‘list of things to do’ for such a long time. And through the heat of the longest day of the year, I watched, danced, and sang my heart out, (whilst drenched in sweat), to one of my most favourite bands, who have got me through some really hard times.

Good job guys. You are the best.

Back when I was 13 and hating my life, (reasons because another story)  I would wake up at night at silly times. I used to sit up at 3am and would fumble around for my mp3 player and sit on the windowsill looking outside at the stars whilst listening to Paramore’s albums “All we know is falling” and “Riot”. I would listen to ‘My Heart’ over and over again along with ‘When it rains.” I feel like i’ve grown with them. And it’s so touching to see them be so humble, and care so much about the people who love them and support them. It makes supporting them for so long be that much more awesome.

Needless to say of course I would listen to a variety of music also, a lot of Evanescence and Pink too. I believe that was also around the time i’d listen to a lot of Avril Lavigne and 3 doors down… But anyway, music just helped. And I guess like a lot of people it just got me through whatever crap was going on at home.

So maybe going to the concert helped me too? Like it just happened at the time when I needed it. I’ve had such a buzz after Paramore, that it’s making me want to get better at singing (if I can – erk) and generally just feel more confident in going for what I want to do. You wouldn’t think going to see a band would stir such emotion from someone, but I guess it has. And I can only say thank you to them. Even though they don’t know me and have no freakin’ clue that I exist. Thanks for being an inspiration and for being there for me when no one else was.

So, I may still be as tired as ever, and I’m probably not the most mentally healthy, but I’ve got my drive back to get to somewhere better and that’s the first step and it’s an important one at that.

I hope to be a better version of me someday. I will continuously strive to make something happen. I am not gonna let this be all there is to my life. I want to do more. And even if I don’t become famous, and then realise i’m not actually that talented. Pft… I’m not talented at all. Ha! This is for me. Because when it comes down to it, at the end of it all, this is my life, and I intend to live it.

 

Until the next time ~

 

 

Photo found: http://beateo.deviantart.com/art/music-helps-me-through-it-163916238  by Beateo

So, so relevant.

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Ho, Ho, Home

Good Morrow to you fellow readers,

As you can probably tell by the title, you are in store for a Christmassy post!  – But not too Christmassy – ay?

As it’s around Christmas you could probably imagine the last thing anyone wants to do is move house. And yet that’s what I had to do.

Last weekend, to be exact, on the 9th and 10th of December 2016.

What words come to mind when moving house? Fun? Exciting? Fresh Start?

What about stressful? ‘Cause that’s what it was!

My partner and I had two days, just two, to move out of our old house and move into the new one. If you think – “that’s enough time!” then, you know, what’s your secret to doing it in two days and remaining sane? ‘Cause honestly, I realise it’s do-able, but it’s just so utterly stressful!

Also let me add, going to bed at 11pm and waking up at 5am is not ideal. Not at all. I also feel I’m starting to make a pattern as to every time we move somewhere new, I have to have a cry. Seriously, what’s wrong with me!? I was absolutely fine, toddling along, getting things done, like some sort of awesome super woman (I may be exaggerating). All up until my car wouldn’t start in the morning and I was all *A-boo hoo hoo!*

Luckily, however it didn’t last as long, (this time) and I was able to side – step that moment relatively quickly!!  Tiredness and stress combined = too much to deal with!

…Maybe next time we move my partner and I should make a game of it and see “How long until she cries!!” – Honestly, I can’t deal with moving house! … I don’t like change!

We are but creatures of habit afterall… 

The great thing about it however, is that we have left our old home. It was just a completely beat up, broken down, ramshackle of a domain. Quite frankly we are better off outta there! I do feel a bit sad for the pile of bricks. But hopefully once it’s sold, the people who buy it will do it up and make it look like new.

The other thing is, I’m glad I had my partner there supporting me and really taking the reins on this whole thing. Without the support I think I would be worse. Sure, i’d be able to move home myself and be capable of doing it on my own. Given the situation. But having him there is so much better. A support network – partner, friends, family, is so, so important when making big changes, it’s crazy how important they are.

Advice: please accept the help of those around you. Lighten the load! If they can’t help you  right now give them opportunity to express that too. Don’t be put out too much if one or two aren’t avaible to help you, simply broaden your support network. Reach out for help. No one is a mind reader, if you are struggling or need some help – speak out. The people who care will listen and reach back.  

So, we are now – more or less – settled into our new home… For me, it’s in a much better location. I’m not sure about my partner  – he hasn’t said much. But I think he prefers the new house immensely more than the old one – so it’s all good. The house layout seems to flow a lot better for the three of us. (Including the cat- Vinny – of course).

It’s really strange moving so close to Christmas, and so unexpected. This time last year, I would not have thought we would be in a new home already. More so, not only is there house details to worry about, there is also Christmas presents and Christmas dinner and all the rest to think about! Every now and then I have a momentary panic and the whole thing makes me want to curl up in bed, not see anyone and just stay there until the new year!

It’s so tempting!

I would have much prefered to have moved later, but we didn’t really get much choice about when we moved in the end! Although thinking about it, maybe it’s actually all for the best, as now we get to have Christmas somewhere that stays warmer and is a more comfortable place to live altogether.

Everything happens for a reason. Right? 

When all is said and done, I’m super excited to be having Christmas this year in the new home. And I also feel blessed to have a home in such good condition which is affordable, cozy and homely. With close friends and family near by!

We’ll get there, we’ll get settled and we will be ready for Christmas. I’m sure of it.  

So, here’s to a wonderful Christmas, and a fantastic new year!

Of new beginnings and an abundance of fun and happiness to come!

Cheers!!

All the best.

Until the next time ~

 

~Wishing you all an amazing Christmas and a kick ass new year!   ❤

 

 

Image found:  http://cdn.history.com/sites/2/2015/04/hith-father-christmas-lights-iStock_000029514386Large.jpg   – Credit, Kudos and all that ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s have a catch up!

Hello friends,

In my last post – quite a while ago now! – I recall simply ranting about rubbish accommodation when private renting. Needless to say, at this point it was hard to keep my cool! I’d like to announce though that the carpet it sorted. Cheaply. But sorted. That’s the main thing -right? And cleaning a three bed house has become much easier!

Moving out for the first time is all a bit of a learning curve.

Even if you are moving out with someone or going off to university accommodation, you are still transitioning from one home to another. For a while you may even be reluctant to call your new place “home.” Everyone deals with moving out differently. It’s okay to not be okay for a while.  Even though it’s a good thing to leave the nest, it takes some getting used to!

It’s almost a year now since I left. With another move around the corner I’m quite apprehensive about what’s in store for the next year ahead!

I can honestly say I feel a lot older for it.

Wiser? I’m not so sure! I know I have more to learn. But that’s a good thing.

I’ve been through quite a lot emotionally and mentally in my house. It’s been a bit of a wild ride and I feel I’m only just coming out of the woods now and feeling more like myself again.

To have people come into our house and not feel comfortable spiritually is saddening. There seems to be quite a disturbance here. Then to have an inspector come over checking if we have everything and what’s wrong with the place for her to turn to us and say:

“You should never have been allowed to live in this house.”

Yeah. Scary stuff, huh?

This has helped us look out for certain …legal… things in the future.

But we are the lucky ones. We can afford to save and leave next year. Sure we have to save hard, but we CAN save.

There are a lot of people who are in similar situations who cannot save the money to leave. Who are trapped, isolated and no one is helping them. It’s a losing battle. Landlords are taking liberties because they don’t have to care until it gets so bad the environmental control get involved and they have no choice. This isn’t the way it is meant to be. It’s appalling people are being treated this way.

I count my blessings that I am in a better situation. My eyes have opened, once again I am taught “it could be worse” and “make the best of the situation.” Two things that some may say; you shouldn’t have to feel that way. And no, no I shouldn’t. But it’s about seeing the end of the chapter. Knowing it’s not forever and that it will get better.

I’m not about to give up. Are you?

 

Until the next time.

 

 

Picture found: http://bernardsestates.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/house-landlords-pic.jpg  – Credit goes to original photographer.