As I write this my mind has been wondering what it is exactly I should talk to you about. I can’t say I have quite figured that out yet but I’m going with this anyway.
I’d like to start by saying, I’m feeling better. I had a bit of a wobble back there for a moment but I’m ok. I’m okay.
I have been drifting for a while, it’s strange, the things that can lift us up and most of the time we never knew that there was an issue in the first place. Like I’ve recently got a pay rise and it has helped my drive at work. I didn’t realise I had that problem in the first place, but now that I am better, I realise just how much I was going through the motions.
Doing the things I love to do just became too much effort. Learning guitar, writing in my blog, finding ideas for stories I want to write in the future, singing, getting a band together. All things that may or may not happen, just couldn’t possibly happen at all before this change. I don’t know what has triggered this but I’m feeling a drive in myself to just go for it. And i’m postive it wasn’t just because of a pay rise at work.
I guess the main point is that i’ve had more time to reflect and to be creative recently. I probaly mentioned before that I struggle with my anemia, and I find it difficult to be proactive on even my best days. It can be a real bummer and it’s not always easy to get up and go, but I do. And I do it because I want to be better than myself. I hate the thought of something I was born with to be the reason I am not happy. I wont let it stop me. Sure I could get a blood transfusion and get rid of the anemia, (so the doctor tells me). But it’s my blood, and i’ll deal with it. I just see it as there are people who really need good blood. But I don’t. I guess i’d see it as a waste? I mean, i’m not fainting or anything. It’s not terrible. It’s just i’m mostly tired 90% of the time. I think. See, you live with something for so long, you don’t know how it feels to not have it, so it’s normal for you. I don’t really know what it’s like to be anyone else. I don’t even know if I’m ‘normal’ in the sense that, do people feel the way I do? Is it ‘normal’ to feel this tired right now? And, I suppose I did have a long day at work, so maybe this is fine, and a person who had the exact same day as me, would feel this way too? Who knows?
I mean, during my time thinking, I have also concluded that I think too much and start to think a bit too negatively too. There has been very few times that I’ve stopped to think for a while and thought “I’m actually happy right now. Like, really happy.” So I also wonder, that perhaps it is human to think on the negative rather than the positive. Or then again, maybe it depends on the type of human. Is it possible that no one has an easy upbringing? That no matter what, there will always be something that will happen to someone that will make them think more negatively than positively?
…There I go again. Bleh.
I am honestly feeling more like myself now. I cannot stress that enough. I don’t feel as lost as I was. But I still have some thinking to do. I like being creative and I like doing things, going out, being social. But the ‘other me’ wants to sit and watch netflix and not do anything and stay inside and just be in solitude. It’s a battle. But I know I feel better when i’m doing things. So i’m doing things.
For instance, I went to watch Paramore live. For the first time ever. *Gasp.* I’ve been listening to them for 10 years. And I swear if I could see my 13 year old self, she would be so jealous of me right now. It’s been on my ‘list of things to do’ for such a long time. And through the heat of the longest day of the year, I watched, danced, and sang my heart out, (whilst drenched in sweat), to one of my most favourite bands, who have got me through some really hard times.
Good job guys. You are the best.
Back when I was 13 and hating my life, (reasons because another story) I would wake up at night at silly times. I used to sit up at 3am and would fumble around for my mp3 player and sit on the windowsill looking outside at the stars whilst listening to Paramore’s albums “All we know is falling” and “Riot”. I would listen to ‘My Heart’ over and over again along with ‘When it rains.” I feel like i’ve grown with them. And it’s so touching to see them be so humble, and care so much about the people who love them and support them. It makes supporting them for so long be that much more awesome.
Needless to say of course I would listen to a variety of music also, a lot of Evanescence and Pink too. I believe that was also around the time i’d listen to a lot of Avril Lavigne and 3 doors down… But anyway, music just helped. And I guess like a lot of people it just got me through whatever crap was going on at home.
So maybe going to the concert helped me too? Like it just happened at the time when I needed it. I’ve had such a buzz after Paramore, that it’s making me want to get better at singing (if I can – erk) and generally just feel more confident in going for what I want to do. You wouldn’t think going to see a band would stir such emotion from someone, but I guess it has. And I can only say thank you to them. Even though they don’t know me and have no freakin’ clue that I exist. Thanks for being an inspiration and for being there for me when no one else was.
So, I may still be as tired as ever, and I’m probably not the most mentally healthy, but I’ve got my drive back to get to somewhere better and that’s the first step and it’s an important one at that.
I hope to be a better version of me someday. I will continuously strive to make something happen. I am not gonna let this be all there is to my life. I want to do more. And even if I don’t become famous, and then realise i’m not actually that talented. Pft… I’m not talented at all. Ha! This is for me. Because when it comes down to it, at the end of it all, this is my life, and I intend to live it.
Until the next time ~
Photo found: http://beateo.deviantart.com/art/music-helps-me-through-it-163916238 by Beateo
So, so relevant.